The Two Fiances

Here’s the scenario:

You have two friends, both of whom you hold in equal regard and both of who are getting married. Friend #1’s fiancé is absolutely average in physical appearance. Were you to see her on the street you would walk right past her. However, despite her physical mediocrity, she has a heart of gold and an overall winning personality - you genuinely enjoy her company.

Friend # 2’s fiancé, for a lack of a better word (and if there were a better word, I’d do my best to find it) is a complete bitch. She’s the type of person who lacks intelligence and charisma in all possible definitions. However, (and I’m sure you can tell where I’m going with this) she is stunning. She’s arguably the most attractive female on the planet. Were you to see her on the street, you’d stop to pleasure yourself.

Lastly, in terms of sexual acumen and dexterity, both fiancés are on par with one another. Oh, we do have to make one assumption which is that fiancé # 2 is significantly younger than fiancé # 1. Sorry ladies, but in GENERAL, younger women tend to be more physically attractive. Now I’m sorry that older men GENERALLY tend to be more attractive than younger men, but in the words of Bill Maher “women made it that way by still wanting to fuck Sean Connery, so shut up about it.”

Here’s the question:

With the knowledge of the two fiancés provided above, which of your friends do you feel has made the better decision?

In order to answer this question, a serious of factors indispensable to a successful union need to be examined and evaluated. So, let’s begin…

CONVERSATION:

As I get older, I’ve begun to hold greater value on the importance of intelligent conversation. Being able to have a stimulating discussion on a variety of subjects shouldn’t be taken for granted. What does one say to a girl in the 19-23 year old range, “hey, how about that Rihanna, isn’t she something?” In addition, it’s unlikely you and fiancé # 2 will ever see eye-to-eye on things. By the time she begins becoming a Facebook Fan of the first liberal Cambodian midget running for president, you would’ve turned into an evil Republican who’s now contributing a quarter of his salary to the Bobby Jindal campaign. WINNER: Fiancé # 1

Envy:

Unfortunately, fiancé # 1 can’t compete in this category. Men who are close to you as well as strangers will be envious of you if you’re with a female of great beauty. They might not tell you this outright, but they are. Perhaps more importantly, other females will now find you more attractive, including the ones who rejected you in the past (which in my case is an alarmingly high number). No one’s going to be jealous of you because your fiancé is kind and fun. She has to be in order to compensate for not being attractive, and everyone knows it. Maybe that sounds misogynistic but it’s not. Men have the same relationship to money, i.e. we wouldn’t be so obsessed with making cash if it didn’t drastically augment our chances of sex, or as Dave Chappelle said, “if a man could have sex in a cardboard box, he wouldn’t have a house.” WINNER: Fiancé # 2

Children:

If part of your plan is to spawn, I would think fiancé # 1 has got to be the better choice. First of all, adolescence is arduous enough without everyone making MILF comments every 5 seconds. Second, as stated earlier, fiancé # 2 is rather obtuse. The point being, your kids are probably going to grow up to be idiotic-underachievers (trust me, I’m a teacher, your kids are not nearly as smart as you’d like to think they are) anyway, so why increase that likelihood by giving them an imbecile for a mother? Third, once childbirth wrecks havoc upon fiancé # 2’s figure, she’s sure to descend into a state of post-partum depression, and then you have a whole other set of problems on your hands, you feel me? WINNER: Fiancé # 1

Love:

Which one of these respective women are going to love you more? I think most people would be quick to assume that fiancé # 1 would be the victor here, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Who’s to say a really hot girl is any less capable of loving you than one of lesser physical beauty? The truth is, in time, regardless of their disposition and appearance, both women will hate you equally. WINNER: None

I could probably go on like this interminably (believe me, I really could) and there would still be no solid answer. The reason for this is because what’s most important depends on the individual. If it were up to me, I’d probably choose fiancé # 1 (but I could be totally lying about that), but that’s not the point. The point is that people shouldn’t be judged for what they value.

The best analogy I can make is the comparison between LA and NY. If one were to create a list between the pros of living in LA vs. NY, I’m sure the items on the NY list would outnumber LA’s by 2 to 1. In fact, the LA list might only have one item on it – weather. LA has perfect weather, and to many people (myself included) that holds as much weight as 20 positives on the NY list (as a sidebar, I’d like to bitch-slap all the people who say they love NY because they love having 4 seasons. NY doesn’t have 4 seasons, it has two: hot and cold. But I digress...) So yes, fiancé # 1 might have more positive qualities in comparison to fiancé # 2, but to many men, the value of aesthetic takes precedent above all else, and that should be okay.