Monday, May 11, 2009

Me

Sometimes I sit alone, and I think of how so few grasp the true scope of my genius. I wish I could make everyone as smart as me, but I'm so intellectually superior to everyone that my dream of equality is ostensibly unobtainable. Other times, I peer interminably into the mirror and become heartbroken by my unparalleled beauty. And then I ponder, why do all women not fall in-love by the mere sight of my flawless golden complexion? But the answer is all too obvious: they do. However, they simply cannot allow themselves to be in the presence of such greatness. If I had the choice between donating my kidney to save someone's life, or donating my personality so the same person could feel the glory of possessing such wit and charm for a single, solitary day, I'd do neither - for I try not to associate with those with health problems. Other times, after I've scolded the employees of my corner Starbucks for botching the consistency of the foam in my grande cappuccino, I begin to feel remorse, for it’s not they who should be held accountable for being burdened with such a lack of talent and good looks. They should only be held accountable for being poor and uneducated. I know, I know, I'm too modest, but as with my perfectly-sculpted-calves, modesty is one of my many virtues. I recall a time after I had finished making love to a young Swedish girl, or perhaps she was Swiss, oh it doesn't matter, the point is: she was female, and thus inferior to me in almost every regard (except knitting). I'm not certain if she reached an orgasm, but I've never been one to judge my sexual prowess upon a mythological ability to make a woman climax. Soon after, I told her she was overweight and that I did not want to see her again, and that if I even caught sight of her in my peripheral, I would mock her till she cried. Last I heard, she became anorexic, and was living with a tribe of Navajos on a strict diet of almonds and pomegranate juice. I've never felt hurt by her lack of gratitude for me turning her life around - I'm not in it for the adulation. I do not fear death, for I believe that when I reach the heavenly gates, God will tell me to take over the reigns as I am as close to his spitting image as he's ever conceived, and thus; none of the minions in heaven will even notice he's been replaced. Were I to come across a young child that had a new-born sibling, I would pay extra attention to that child, knowing that the other adults were focusing their concentration on the new-born. Honesty is the best policy, and I would tell this child that he will be virtually worthless from here on end, and that if his parents ever get divorced, it will be entirely his fault, and that he's better off stealing money from his mother's purse and running-off to go turn tricks in Tijuana. I love kids!

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